Reinvention out loud
or Sharing my in between
A few days ago I decided to share what I felt was an unflattering photo of myself. I am smiling and happy and at that moment, I felt beautiful. But when I saw the picture, I decided in an instant that it would stay inside the closed recesses of my google drive and never see the light of day.
I felt fat.
I hated my arms.
My stomach was rolled over on top of itself and looking at it made me nauseous with discomfort at the idea of sharing it with anyone.
Then I looked at it again. I love my smile. I love how my hair looks in the sunshine, and how it stayed curled miraculously the entire day. I love the way I’m making eye contact with the camera.
I am in a strange place right now. (I’m not talking about how my husband and I just uprooted our family and moved to Spain either.) I’m in between.
I am done looking for the right match, I am done with the bridal showers and the baby showers. I am done with maternity clothes and (nearly done with) nursing bras.
And like many of my friends and peers, I’ve found myself looking around and thinking “okay…now what?”
I find myself thinking about this in-between space between having babies and becoming an empty nester. The space between feeling cute before kids, feeling whatever feelings you felt (thanks hormones) about yourself during pregnancy and postpartum, and now wondering what style and fashion are supposed to look like. The space between the pause you take after kids and the decision whether or not to go back to work in the same capacity.
That in-between space makes me feel like I’m in high school again with people asking me everywhere I look, “Where are you going to college?” or “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and that feeling was terrifying.
Except.
Now I’m 20ish years older. Now I know the freedom of responding without the hope of a gold star. The freedom of no longer needing to impress the person asking. I know the gratification now of making a choice thoughtfully because it is what is best for me and my family.
The choice I’m making is to confidently and firmly say, “I don’t know.”
I am confident that I have no idea how to dress my body anymore. That I have outgrown the style and clothing from before.
I am confident that working looks different for me than it did before kids, and it looks different from the direct sales company I worked with for the last five years. I have outgrown those choices.
I am confident that I have no idea if where we are now is where we will stay, if we’ll go back to the US, or if we will try another country on for size.
What I do know, is that I don’t want to wait until I know to share things with you, my friends, family, and audience. I do know that I am meant to share my in-between.
So here I am, sharing as I transition from the shell of new motherhood into whatever this new space is. As I learn what style looks like both after maternity clothes and outside of the United States. As we navigate living in Spain as expats and figure out where we’ll go (or stay) next.
I hope you’ll join me on the journey. I’ll save a coffee for you.
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